An excerpt from the journal of one Jacker Stump, age and origin unknown, as transcribed by Bennonois, clerk to the Court of Canes, City of Runerock. (A warning to brothers of the Order: This document contains obscure profanity.)
When you face an obstacle, it’s always best to play to your strengths. For instance, this morning, I needed to get into Agillard to teach one of its students of magic a lesson about harassing innocent young ladies.
Okay, fine. So one lady in particular. You’re my diary, so you know the one.
And yes, she still runs from me. Well, rephrase that. Run is an extreme word. More like “picks up her pace to one that my English teacher, back on Earth, might have called ‘brisk.’”
But she hasn’t told me “no” yet, so there’s a silver lining. Of sorts.
But we’re off-topic. The point: I had a crime against
girls women woman to avenge. And though I lacked a cape, superpowers, and Batman’s billion dollars, I was going to avenge it.
My target? Geddard of Mountebrook.
What? Shut up. I can take him. I can totally take him.
Pretty sure I can.
Meh. Never know until I try.
No, screw it: I can take him. Sure, he has health and wealth and education. He has a rapier and training in its use. He knows some magic. At nearly 18, he has four years’ experience on me, too. And more friends. He also has full use of both his legs.
By comparison, I have, well…. You know I don’t really spend a lot of time counting my disadvantages. What’s the point? But since you bring it up, let’s do this.
- Three-quarters of my legs (a case could be made for four-fifths),
- a makeshift knife made from folded scrap metal,
- a “family” of cowardly fellow urchins (who, come to think of it, don’t count at all in this case — scratch them from this list),
- a single thrice-penny coin,
- and no training in anything other than four-square and dodgeball, two games they don’t play in this world.
- Oh, and I can quote from every movie in the Star Wars franchise. Also, not terribly useful. No one in this world has seen those movies.